Well, if this post had been written yesterday, it really would have been telling you that I was no longer doing my half marathon in a few weeks. And I haven't been this upset in a long time, but... Let me explain...
As you probably know, I've been training for my first half marathon at the end of October. And a little more than a month ago, I decided to start running my long runs down Emigration Canyon so my body could get used to the downhill [the Provo half is VERY steep downhill course]. The first time I went, I ran 6 miles and seriously felt aaa-mazing! I've never run that fast of a pace, especially for the duration of my run. And I could breathe! Yes. I loved it. And I wasn't even that sore. At least I didn't think so...
A few days later, I went to the park to just run 3-4 miles, and my knees were really starting to kill me. It wasn't anything too serious, but I didn't want to chance it, so I quit after about 3 miles and decided to take a break until my next long run. The next Sunday, I ran my long run down Emigration again. Or should I say, "long" run. It was originally meant to be 8 miles. But I didn't even get to 6 miles before I literally could NOT go any further. I had the worst shooting pain in my right knee. And of course, since I was trying to compensate for it, my left knee also started hurting. What a freaking joke. Luckily Jared was with me and had to run the rest of the way to the car to come get me. I was soo discouraged!
So, although I was mentally 100% against it [physically 110% FOR it], I decided [more like Jared forced me] to take a break from running or I was going to seriously hurt myself. I took off about a week [I know, probably not enough, but I couldn't go any more days without running!!] and then ran a few miles on the treadmill. My knee hurt, but it was bearable. Or in my mind, healed. Ha. Right. So, the following week, I used the treadmill again and ran 8 miles. I'm not going to lie--it HURT. To a point where it was almost getting numb... Normal? But I did it. I pushed through it and at least did the distance. Whether I could walk the next day or not, that's a different story.
Now here we are, the worst day of my running life. Yesterday morning, Jared and I went to Emigration Canyon again. I had to run 10 miles. Yes, HAD to! Next week I run 12 miles, and the next week... Race day. I didn't really have a choice. And I kept telling my knee that! Psh, like my #!@*%&#*%#^ knee cared! [yes, that's a very long bad word. ...stupid knee] After 2, yes TWO, miles, I felt my knee start to hurt. Not bad, but it was definitely there. By mile 5, I was in tears [understatement] and could literally barely walk, let alone run 5 more miles. Once again, Jared had to run to the car and pick me up. As he was running down the canyon, I kept walking and trying SO hard to run... but I would literally get 10 feet and then the worst, sharpest pain I have EVER felt in my life would shoot through my right knee and I'd have to sit down.
I kept trying to convince myself that there WILL be a miracle and I WILL be able to finish this race in a few weeks. It's all mental*, I'd be able to push through it! But honestly, I was trying to be realistic, and I knew that there would be no way I'd be able to run down Provo Canyon [much steeper downhill] for 13.1 miles, if I couldn't even run 5 miles down Emigration Canyon.
*All mental?? Whoever told me that, I'm going to punch you in the face!
As soon as I got home, as I was bawling my eyes out, I sent an email to my sweet friend Lizzy who I was supposed to run the race with, telling her I couldn't do it anymore. As soon as I told Jared what I'd done, he got kind of mad and told me not to give up! And then of course I got mad too, because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it, and I felt like Jared was just trying to get my hopes up! And here I am...
What do I do?!! Really, I don't know what to do. I'm SO upset. I've been working for over a year to get to the point that I'm at now, and now this happens, 3 weeks before my race. Unbelievable. Last night, I decided that I'm just going to rest my knee for 10-ish days. Maybe cross-train on an elliptical or stationary bike. My cardio has gotten much better, I'm not worried about that. Especially with a downhill course, I know that won't be my problem. My problem will be my knee. And if I let it heal [hopefully I'll have enough time], then maybe I'll finish strong........? Right? Oh my gosh. I DON'T KNOW. Every time I think more about it [like right now], I really start doubting myself again. Can I really run 13.1 miles when my farthest run is 8? I'd like to run just ONE more long run... at least 10 miles! Heck, I'd take 9! But should I even chance it? Realistically, should I do this race? Or not?
I feel like such a fool. I'm sure you all think I'm so ridiculous, that I should just pick a race next year. I know there will be many more half marathons for me. But it's just the fact that I'd be giving up. That will kill me. I have been working so hard, harder than I've worked for anything else. I can't just NOT do this. What do I do???
UGH! Someone please tell me why I decided to start running in the first place!! What a STUPID idea!
3 comments:
So I can't say I totally know how you feel, but I feel like I somewhat do. I've never gotten serious about running because of bad knees. In fact I've been advised that running just isn't a good idea for me, so I've always stuck to the elliptical and swimming, but a few weeks ago I decided I really wanted to try to get serious about running. I've started out with short distances and interval training and will slowly work my way up to running non stop for an hour, which I'm actually excited for. Well after last Monday's run I had some pain in my left knee. I didn't think anything of it and since I've been determined to run every other day I continued with my Wednesday and Friday runs. Bad idea! Friday was hell! I couldn't even walk after I finished my run. It's so discouraging! I don't have a big race to look forward to or anything yet, but it's the fact that you have your mind set on something and you are determined to reach your goal. I injured my left knee in a skiing accident a few years ago and now I'm worried that the months of physical therapy I did then, will have to be repeated. Anyway, in my opinion, I think it is so important to listen to your body! Pushing yourself will only lead to a more severe injury. It's hard giving in to pain, because to me I feel like it makes me weak, but in the long run it will pay off. I would wait to see how you feel in the next week or so and then decide for sure whether you want to do the race. Maybe you can run/walk through it if you really don't want to give up. I think the accomplishment of even DOING the race (no matter what your time is) will make you feel better than just throwing in the towel altogether. But again, listen to your body, it knows more than your head does :)
Did I miss the point where you went to a doctor? You are talking about shooting pain in your knee, please go see a doctor to make sure there isn't something torn. I have never had shoot pain from running. Even after a 50 mile race I didn't feel anything like that. Please make an appointment. Worse than not running this half marathon would be damaging your knee and NEVER running one.
I should have started this comment with thanking you for joining my journey and I do thank you and hope we can encourage each other but I would be wrong for not offering some advice. I know that the hard work you put in might push you to try and "run through it" as you have written you ran even after the inital pain. Feel free to email me if you need any help or advice but please don't push when your body is screaming to stop.
Thanks for your comments!!! Shelly, I should clarify... I don't know if I would call it a "shooting" pain in my knee. It was just a sharp, burning pain. I don't know how else to explain it. But I actually found out that it is patella tendinitis. So, I just have to ice it, cross train, and rest for a few weeks. Well, it's been a few weeks, and tonight will be my first run since. Wish me luck! And thanks SOO much for your advice! I love your blog!
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